Help! Karmic cycles: echoes of the emotional energyfield?

Since I’ve been a little girl, part of me remembers when I meet someone in this lifetime who I have spend lifetimes with before. In the sense that, I know that I already know their essence. But also, I have a very strong emotional reaction to them, which often comes with flashes of memory. My problem in this, is that because I (usually) can not see the whole “picture” right away, I start playing out the exact same “emotional tape” (as I have come to call it) with those people.

For example; when I met someone that abused and killed me in a previous lifetime. My first response to them was rejection and disgust. I wanted them to get away from me as far as possible. Yet, I was drawn. When the person (who was also drawn) still came closer after all my rejections, I told them straight out that I knew who they were and I was not having it (I wish it was that simple!). I anticipated what happend in a previous lifetime. And it played out. Except this time I made it out alive.

Another example; when I met someone who I loved deeply in other lifetimes, but who abandonned me in them. I had the exact same love for them from the moment we met. Unaware that I was treating them in exactly the same manner. But everytime they left, I disintegrated into a crying pile of despair (without having a clue why I had such a strong/unlogical response). My spirit cried out to them to stay with me, be with me, and not leave me again. The love played out, so did the seemingly inevitable abandonment/rejection.

I keep meeting people in this way. The emotional “tape” is present, sometimes with clear memories, and starts playing from the moment we connect. Now, in the two previous examples, the strongest emotional responses were love, and the memory of what had happend (in a painful way to me) before. I think that this is only because it is MY “emotional tape” that is stuck(?) somewhere in my emotional energy field. And that is probably also why I do not recall in which ways I have hurt those people myself. Because I am sure I have – I do not believe it is ever a one-sided story. But that memory is simply not present in my conscious awareness.

There has been one time that it did not involve deep hurt, and the relationship unfolded as caring and warm as I remembered. But there are also times that I meet someone and have an uncontrollable urge to do something – and don’t have a clue why. Like waking when they are asleep. For the life of me not being able – nor willing – to sleep when they are. Complete with an overwhelming urge to protect them – no matter what. And falling asleep as soon as I sense that they are awake again. Images of travelling with horses, a campfire between pine trees. A hill on the background to sit out of the wind. Death. But not knowing who died, or how. An heartaching wonder if I failed, if they died because of me? And the certainty that if I died because of them, I would not mind.

My problem, or lack of understanding here. Is that, IF I know, even if only on a emotional/partial memory level. Then I MUST be able to somewhere go “Ok, this is who we were, this is who we are now, and we can do this and that to avoid hurting eachother in the same way as before.” right? I don’t believe that karmic cycles (which I think these are) have to be played out over and over again. And make us go afterwards “Ok, that hurt, but now at least I know who they were”? I believe that there must be a way to clear them in this very lifetime (afterall, that is why I think it comes up in the first place). But I am unsure how to go about that.

I mean, what would clearing exactly be? Forgiveness of self, and other? Because on a spiritual level that is already present, since on a higher level we know what is going on and why we are doing it. At least, that is how I perceive it. So, I guess my biggest question is “How do we (the other person involved as well) see the cycle, and instead of repeating it, bring healing to eachother and change it?” Would that require of me to teach myself to look further into the past? And learning how to show the other person their memories as well? Or is there another way to look at these “energy tapes” and prevent them from clouding (and repeating the same cycle in) the current experience? I simply don’t know. But I need to learn more about this. I don’t see the point in doing the same thing, lifetime after lifetime.

And I truly believe that in this lifetime, there is a way to recognise eachother as the beings of love that we truly are. And to understand the learning that we went through, without having to put eachother through it again. Am I wrong in that? Intuitively I have always said; “This is a Gift, an opportunity for accelerated growth and healing.” and I still believe it to be so…

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The Poem, on the edge of the abyss…

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She sank to her knees – unable to do anything else – her hoody partially covered her face, as she stared at the ground. “You look like a raven.” he said to her. She nodded but wasn’t able to reply. A hollow silence followed, only broken by the sound of her sobbing. “We are writing a poem.” he said, as he quickly observed the crying woman next to him. “About the water well, the ravens tears, and autumn leaves.”

Or, moreso, he was talking and the sound of his voice helped her to keep the fractured pieces of her sanity together. Like a filament thread woven with calmth and intention, it led her through her anguish and confusion. She could not move, her body was frozen in a kneeling position, arms folded around her knees, and her head down. It was like everything had come to a standstill, right there. On the edge of a complete breakdown. She held on tightly to the sound of his voice, whilst staring into the darkness of the abyss in front of her.

She knew that there wasn’t really time for poems, but she couldn’t get up, and she couldn’t stop crying. Whilst lost in the dungeons of her own mind, she could feel the darkness closing in on her. And she didn’t have the will to fight this time. But as long as he was talking, she would not lose herself even more. She could hold on to that. The raven near the well couldn’t see the autumn leaves through her tears anymore. She only heard his voice, and prayed that he would continue talking.

Still in a haze, she suddenly asked him; “How can you remain so calm?”. She didn’t understand. There wasn’t much that she understood at that moment. Nothing made sense anymore. And the words of his answer drifted – unprocessed – passed her. But the resonance echoed in her Heart. “I want to be here for you” is what her Heart heard. Beyond logic. But it resonated with her own healers Heart.

“Give me your hand. Please just give me your hand.” she thought “I need a warm touch to remind me of the good things in life. I feel so cold inside. Please don’t let me go, for then I will be lost. That place is too dark…” And his voice took her further. From the habitual flatness, to the honesty of recognition, and to cold determination. She felt it all, and with an intensity that took her breath away. She was surprised at how fast this man could shut down his beautiful Heart – as fast as he had opened it. Like turning off a Light.

“Will you do this for me?” he asked her. And she wanted to, she really did, but her body felt so very heavy and the tears stubbornly kept streaming down her pale face. She could not express that she couldn’t. That simply moving seemed impossible, and that she was holding onto his voice to not fall to pieces on the stones below her feet. That trying to hold herself together was the only thing that seemed important at that moment. So she stared at him, her eyes wide open, hoping that he could see the complete despair inside.

He looked at her for a split second and then allowed his eyes to wander whilst he spoke. Again the determination in his voice, sharper this time. It cut straight through her, and she hestitated. Did this mean that she would be left alone and would be swallowed by the abyss? “Breathe in. I can do this, but please don’t leave me alone. I am still pulling myself together.” desperately she directed her thoughts at him. She tried to move her hands… Forcing them to obey her… But he left her alone with her darkness…

Like a lost raven she crawled towards the water and looked into the well – searching for something to hold on to, now that her only anchor had left her drifting. And there, in the water was the sweet face of her friend; “Come on, you can do this!” her understanding eyes seemed to be saying. Whilst the warmth of a loving embrace gently wrapped itself around her, went straight through her and touched her Heart. She smiled back at the beloved face in the water. “I love you, my dearest friend. Always.” For a while she sat in the gentle presence of her Soul friend, allowing her loving energy to dissolve the frozen feeling in her Heart and the confusion in her mind.

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Slowly she raised herself up. The collecting of the autumn leaves. The ruins of her life, her spirit. She understood very well. When you are lost, you often have to clear the rubble first. Her tears had dried. The raven was still introspective but her eyes were already shining again. The well felt healing, like a silent companion. And the loving presence of her friend had lifted her spirit.

When the leaves were all collected, she looked him up. She knew that she would be unable to express what she felt. Usually it was impossible to capture that intensity in words. But she wanted to touch his hand, look into his eyes, and share her gratitude. To thank him for being there, during her deepest darkness, with his voice and presence. If only long enough for her to not drown in the darkness. She knew that this man could read her eyes, if only he could bring up the courage to look into them.

She touched his hand. He made no contact. His Heart was still closed off. She looked into his eyes. And they were roaming around unfocussedly. She whispered “Thank you!” at him, quickly turned around and walked away. It had been simple of her to think that she could catch everything she had just experienced in those two words. Simple to think that her eyes and energy would speak for her. And that she would actually be heard, by someone who didn’t want to listen. But still, she wanted to have it said; “Thank you…” with everything that it contained. Even if he was unable to hear her and understand what it meant.

Sadness came over her. For seeing him, recognising his capacity – but seeing it go to waste. It is always a loss when people deny their abilities, deny their Light to shine into this world. But then she remembered the visit of her friend, and her incredible loving care. And she felt immensely grateful that Spirit is so close in our hour of need. Only ever a thought away…

Thank you Cheryl, for always being there when I need you the most. I love you always ♥

Picture: www.greenfeed.de and Paige Curtis from Dove-Stock.deviantart.com

Ownership Issues…

Every being on this planet has been given free will…

And amongst them all only the Human is the one with ownership issues. He fences off a piece of land, claims it as his, and expects every living being to acknowledge his ownership. Unfortunately for the Human, it does not work this way. He can not convince the Earth, that one specific place that he fenced off, is his and should remain as he pleases. He can not convince the plants that he attempts to grow on it, are growing on ‘his’ soil and should grow bountiful. And he can not convince other animals that the land is his and they are not allowed to travel on it, or eat what grows on it. The only being that is silly enough to accept Humans attempts to claim that piece of land, are his fellow humans.

Human is the same with everything he puts his eyes on. So Human claims other beings as his personal possession. A dog, a horse, or a cat, a cow, some sheep, or chickens… Human puts the animals in a cage, or on the fenced off piece of land and is satisfied in the belief that they are now ‘his’. He attempts to train the animals to do what he wants for him. The dog has to protect Humans self-proclaimed land. The horse has to carry heavy loads, or even Human himself. And the sheep and chicken should just offer up their lives when Human feels like eating them, without a thought of respect or gratitude. When these animals do not behave as he pleases, Human gets angry. Human decides that they are no good animals. He makes himself believe that something is wrong with them – they need punishment to understand what their role in life is!

Sadly, Human has just forgotten that every single being has free will. Human will never own another being. Even if he puts them in a cage, even if he punishes them until they are numb. Of course Human can become friends with the animal, and win the animals trust. But Human must prove himself worthy of such a Gift. He must show that his spirit will respect the animals spirit, and has the highest good for them in mind. But if Human has shown himself to be a worthy friend, and leader. Then, with the gentle spirit that animals have, they will often do as Human asks from them. Out of love, trust and devotion. Most animals, once they have freely given their friendship – will jump through fire for their friend. But Human can never own the animals spirit – even if he has convinced himself that he owns the animals body. The animal belongs to itself, and always will.

Human has ownership issues in many areas of his life. In his relationships, he tends to confuse love with ownership as well. When he thinks he has found the one that he loves, he puts a ring around her finger and they both sign a statement of ownership – to eachothers time, body, etc. Not realising that any kind of relationship is only as good as the value that the spirit of each puts on it. Afterall, Human can think that he has ownership over his lover but even when he owns her body, he will only ever mean as much to her if he befriends her spirit. Until then, her spirit will roam as free as the wind, only dedicated for as long as it pleases her. And her spirit will never be truly loyal if he has not been able to win her deep love and devotion. Human also has the need to claim his lovers offspring as his, by giving them his name. Even when only the mother knows if the child is truly his…

There are so many funny and irrational things that Human does to deal with his ownership issues. For example, he has also made up this system of value. So when he offers another human a piece of melted metal, or printed paper – with the imagined value that only the other humans believe in – he thinks that whatever he ‘buys’ with it, will be his. The more of this imagined value he has stored, the more value he feels he has. Isn’t that funny? Another example is the ownership statements that are made for each human. Human calls it an identification. But it really is a proof of ownership from the country Human lives in. Human has not realised yet that Human too, is thought to be owned.

But when the time comes that Human will open his eyes, he will realise that those who have gone before him, and have dealt with the ownership issue for much longer than he has. Have invented a whole system that attempts to give the illusion of control. In other words, what Human has done with his tiny piece of land, with the animals he has bought. Those who came first and gathered the most value, own him and others of his kind. And until Human behaves in a way that the owners see as inappropriate for him, he will not be punished to be reminded of his role in life…

Every being on this planet has been given free will…

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Here’s your *shit* back! ♥

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Ever felt like getting punched in your stomach when someone is being really nasty or sometimes even just venting? And – besides that it might make you feel like responding on the same level – the rest of your day your stomach feels off and swirly? Nausious even?

I do, and I strongly dislike it! It’s like being shot with shit and you can’t determine whether to throw it back or clean yourself first LOL! But, there is something that helps if you practice it regularly.

I’ve been doing it for a while now. When I feel it hitting me, I direct my attention inwards and use my focused breath to literally “blow out” whatever does not belong there.

Of course it depends on someones intention whether I “throw it back” at them, or whether I redirect and transmute it. I rarely throw something back at someone.

After that, I take a good look at my stomach, and remove any residu energy and connections. And recharge my energy. I also close down that chakra for “reaching connections”.

There simply is no need for us to walk around with someone else’s stuff, causing us problems. It was theirs to deal with in the first place.

It is not uncommon for me to hear someone tell me how awful their stomach is doing after one of these happenings. Little do they understand that they only got back what was theirs and were cut off from the energy source that they were trying to fill themselves up with.

Not engaging in these kind of things is not always easy – but both learn more when one of them simply refuses to “play”. And offers to only connect on a higher level of communication.

Staying centered within yourself has many advantages I am discovering! I hope it works as well for you as it does for me – and have fun experimenting ♥
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The Web of Light

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Five years ago I had a vision. It came to me three times in one week – which is exceptional for me. Since I usually only get to see something once. The vision looked something like the picture above, and it came with partial knowledge of what “it” was. Back then, my understanding was that I was shown people who were raising the frequency of this planet. And were supporting eachother whilst doing so. For example, when one light was dimming, a bright light would be helping out to mirror them their own radiance again. Teamwork!

Now, many years later, I am seeing it happen all around me. In even more beautiful ways than I had ever imagined. The “light spots” are each and every single one of you that did the hard work. That accessed their Heartspace and are emitting an incredible amount of love into this world. Those who learned how to build golden connections from the Heart, and raised themselves above the individuality consciousness. Those who chose love over fear time, and time again. You are brave Spirits.

And I am so very touched (sometimes moved to tears) and humbled everytime that I meet another amazing Spirit that has gone through all this work. To be here with us now, to shine their Light and to battle where needed. I know how hard it has been, how you had to fight a lonely fight until now. And I feel a deep love for you, those I have met and those I have yet to meet, and I am grateful that you are standing by my side at this time. Most often I recognise you right away by the look in your eyes and the feeling of your Heart. The way we mirror and amplify one another and how there immediately is a strong sense of having known eachother before. And having been here many times before already…

Remember that we are like live healing crystals. And that working with your energy in such a way requires more work than the average person would have to do. So take good care of you. Especially now, when I see how fast the connections are going, how easy the recognition is becoming. And trust me when I say that the connections are evolving fast as well! I know that we are at the start of something great and I am so excited! Thank you so much for being here with me, you are so very precious and loved ♥

About witches and memories; the Earth Project…

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When I was 11, or perhaps even 12 years old, my school took our class on a trip to an amusement park. The park had many expositions about the past. Like bath houses build in the likeness of those from ancient Greece, and a place where people could experience how it was to live like cavemen. It also had an exposition about the witch trials. Without really knowing why, I had always felt a deep resentment towards the Inquisition.

With a group of my classmembers I entered the hall of the witch trial exposition. The torture devices were pretty big and were set out in an oval shape all around us. Each one had a little sign with explanetion or information on it. Walking into the hall I felt overwhelmed and light in my head. Whilst the other kids were babbling and looking at the devices, I could barely move and felt like I was walking in glue.

The energy in the hall was swirling. Yet, it felt pressing and thick. One of the devices had a strange attraction to me. Not a feeling that I liked but I simply had to walk towards it and touch it. I put my hand on the rough old woodwork and as soon as I did that, the screaming started. Screaming of many voices and an excruciating pain. It was not just one pain – but many kinds of pain altogether. It felt like dying many deaths.

There was a huge amount of emotions going through me. I felt betrayed, abandonned, humiliated, hopeless and furious. And so much more that I would not know how to describe. The screaming and crying seemed to come from others closeby me. Or maybe it was myself as well, I am not sure. All I know is that at that moment, I had no idea what was happening to me but I simply could not pull away from it. Like a magnet, I was stuck in time in that room with its echo’s and my own heartache. Because my heart bled for us.

Many minutes later – it seemed like forever – while my classmates had long left the hall where I was standing. I was still stuck at the place where I stood. I don’t remember having cried. But I was using all my willpower to get my hand off of the device and get away from that place. It was like it was keeping me a prisoner in its pain and anguish. The little sign on the device said that it was one of the few originals left that were actually used back then. At that time, I did not understand the significance of that yet. I do now.

Eventually I managed to get out of the hall. It had taken me a lot of willpower and energy to do so. And so I stumbled after the kids from my class, hoping I would find them somewhere. They were playing at the last exposition site – some kind of wall structure.

At the end of the excursion, there was a little giftshop. They had a silver ring with a symbol on it that I associated with what I had just experienced and I bought it with the promise to my sisters “I will never forget”. And I will never forget.

It’s many years later now and after the experience I had in the amusement park, I have had several more experiences of getting thrown back in the time of the witch trials. Some have been far more detailed and sometimes it took me a few days to get over them because of the emotions resurfacing. But with every experience, I have gained more clarity about what happend to me. And why I sometimes react the way I do. I feel that is a good thing.

I have also spend some time searching for who it exactly were that I felt as my sworn sisters. I dived into books about witch craft. And eventho I recognised a lot of the material like I had practised it in this lifetime (which I hadn’t) I felt that the focus of it had somehow changed. I did not like the influence that I felt woven into the old practices. When I was 15 years old, I briefly met up with the ones leading several witch craft groups in my country. And here too, I felt that the focus was not on what I remember our work used to be about.

The people were very focussed on outter appearances. Their looks, the way they went on about their beliefs. How they felt an extreme need to defend their different beliefsystem to others. The way their ego spoke when they opened their mouths. It was not what I remembered our ways to be. Not the quiet, healing ways of the Mother. It was never about serving self.

From what I remember from our ways, is that respect and understanding for nature was very high on the priority list. Preparing medicine and helping people with them. Helping women in labour. We were counsellors. Teachers. Dancing between Earth energy and Divine energy to aid others. To spread awareness. And of course love. It had nothing to do with pretentieus people needing specific kind of cloths, knives, rituals, spells etc. to serve the Mother, the Father and their children. It was a knowing that streamed through our veins. A connection that was ever there.

With this I am not saying that all wiccan groups are pretentieus and ego driven. Because I have definitely met some witches that are good people, who have the ancient knowledge and use that. Their energy is amazing and intriguing to observe! And my heart is happy that some of the old ways have not been forgotten, nor stained. But along the way, I have met a lot of “bad apples” those who use the things they learn only to serve themselves. Who are very focussed on spells etc. And sadly, it sticks to their energyfield like a dark murky feeling. If these people had the awareness they proclaim to have, they would never do this to themselves and others. But these are levels of learning, too.

What I think is important to remember, is that we have always come in waves. And with “we” I mean the spirits that I felt as my sworn sisters. And the goal has always been to help, and to teach where possible. Adjusting to the current understanding – yes – and adding to that the ancient knowledge that we all share. Personally, I don’t really care for labels; “wiccan, lightworker, starseed, empath, angelic, psychic, alien, christian, indigo child, etc.” But if you feel that you came here to serve, to shine your Light, to teach and spread awareness, and to help wherever you can. If you feel you came with a group, and that the same group has been returning again and again – often being ridiculed, tortured and murdered for trying to help spread awareness – then you might have been here for quite some time already as well! Welcome back to the Earth Project! It is so good to see you again! We’ve got some work to do ♥

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Screaming Universally…

Have you ever felt like words are just not enough at times? Like no matter how hard you try, you simply can’t express all the emotions that you are feeling? And the thoughts that are racing through your mind?

I have always felt like language isn’t a very efficient way of communicating. It is slow, inaccurate and misses the nessesary nuances. A bit like painting with only two colors, when you see a complete spectrum of colors. Normally, I can accept that to a degree. However, during the times that I am experiencing particularly challenging situations in my life, I tend to become extremely frustrated with the lacking ability to express myself properly and I eventually tend to give up on talking. Simply, because it won’t work at that point.

But, everyone needs to express themselves in some kind of way. And at those moments, mine is “Universally Screaming”. Which is a bit like “sending out my echo” to the others. But it is less directed and far less controlled in intensity. It’s a bit like popping out of your skin and blasting out all your energy in an expression of emotion/information. I scream in my head, and can keep that up for quite some time as well. It sort of takes the rough edges of the worst anguish.

However, you can’t do this unnoticed. Because you blast out your energy as hard as you can, and as far as you can. It WILL be noticed. And not always by the people/beings you care to be noticed by. Many times I have been asked, after a “Screaming Universally” episode of mine, whether I was ok. Or even what I did, because people started to have nightmares about me. So that is the downside of expressing yourself that way. You send out an awfully loud (and broadly received) signal of distress.

The only reason I do this, is because I need to express myself. Or I feel like I will explode. But this plane just does not offer the possibility to express certain levels of intensity. My ex boyfriend, and other people who have been close to me have often told me that they got confused and felt incredibly helpless when I cried. Because of the intensity in feeling. My ex boyfriend used to say “It’s like your Soul is crying.” And I think he was right, but he simply did not know how to deal with it.

This past month has been very challenging to me. Regarding having to make difficult changes in my life. And regarding losing loved ones. I know the Universe has heard me again 😉