Since I’ve been a little girl, part of me remembers when I meet someone in this lifetime who I have spend lifetimes with before. In the sense that, I know that I already know their essence. But also, I have a very strong emotional reaction to them, which often comes with flashes of memory. My problem in this, is that because I (usually) can not see the whole “picture” right away, I start playing out the exact same “emotional tape” (as I have come to call it) with those people.
For example; when I met someone that abused and killed me in a previous lifetime. My first response to them was rejection and disgust. I wanted them to get away from me as far as possible. Yet, I was drawn. When the person (who was also drawn) still came closer after all my rejections, I told them straight out that I knew who they were and I was not having it (I wish it was that simple!). I anticipated what happend in a previous lifetime. And it played out. Except this time I made it out alive.
Another example; when I met someone who I loved deeply in other lifetimes, but who abandonned me in them. I had the exact same love for them from the moment we met. Unaware that I was treating them in exactly the same manner. But everytime they left, I disintegrated into a crying pile of despair (without having a clue why I had such a strong/unlogical response). My spirit cried out to them to stay with me, be with me, and not leave me again. The love played out, so did the seemingly inevitable abandonment/rejection.
I keep meeting people in this way. The emotional “tape” is present, sometimes with clear memories, and starts playing from the moment we connect. Now, in the two previous examples, the strongest emotional responses were love, and the memory of what had happend (in a painful way to me) before. I think that this is only because it is MY “emotional tape” that is stuck(?) somewhere in my emotional energy field. And that is probably also why I do not recall in which ways I have hurt those people myself. Because I am sure I have – I do not believe it is ever a one-sided story. But that memory is simply not present in my conscious awareness.
There has been one time that it did not involve deep hurt, and the relationship unfolded as caring and warm as I remembered. But there are also times that I meet someone and have an uncontrollable urge to do something – and don’t have a clue why. Like waking when they are asleep. For the life of me not being able – nor willing – to sleep when they are. Complete with an overwhelming urge to protect them – no matter what. And falling asleep as soon as I sense that they are awake again. Images of travelling with horses, a campfire between pine trees. A hill on the background to sit out of the wind. Death. But not knowing who died, or how. An heartaching wonder if I failed, if they died because of me? And the certainty that if I died because of them, I would not mind.
My problem, or lack of understanding here. Is that, IF I know, even if only on a emotional/partial memory level. Then I MUST be able to somewhere go “Ok, this is who we were, this is who we are now, and we can do this and that to avoid hurting eachother in the same way as before.” right? I don’t believe that karmic cycles (which I think these are) have to be played out over and over again. And make us go afterwards “Ok, that hurt, but now at least I know who they were”? I believe that there must be a way to clear them in this very lifetime (afterall, that is why I think it comes up in the first place). But I am unsure how to go about that.
I mean, what would clearing exactly be? Forgiveness of self, and other? Because on a spiritual level that is already present, since on a higher level we know what is going on and why we are doing it. At least, that is how I perceive it. So, I guess my biggest question is “How do we (the other person involved as well) see the cycle, and instead of repeating it, bring healing to eachother and change it?” Would that require of me to teach myself to look further into the past? And learning how to show the other person their memories as well? Or is there another way to look at these “energy tapes” and prevent them from clouding (and repeating the same cycle in) the current experience? I simply don’t know. But I need to learn more about this. I don’t see the point in doing the same thing, lifetime after lifetime.
And I truly believe that in this lifetime, there is a way to recognise eachother as the beings of love that we truly are. And to understand the learning that we went through, without having to put eachother through it again. Am I wrong in that? Intuitively I have always said; “This is a Gift, an opportunity for accelerated growth and healing.” and I still believe it to be so…